What Disney’s acquisition of Marvel Comics means to you

Today the Walt Disney Company announced it had agreed to purchase Marvel Comics for $4 billion in cash and stock. Marvel’s board is likely to agree, making the bold acquisition the largest media buyout since last year’s economic collapse.

But fans of both cultural institutions are concerned with the purity of iconic characters and storylines. The following is a list of things that could happen should the buyout be approved.

1. Spiderman and Cinderella to marry

  • “With great power comes great responsibility,” says Spiderman. “Yes,” replies Cinderella. “Your relatives are laying their goddamn eggs all over the castle.”

2. Epcot Center to feature exhibit on future world in which mutants and humans coexist.

  • Disney vacationers will get to see Wolverine and Sabretooth sampling produce from around the world, and Magneto preventing rollercoaster deaths

3. Pluto to become Hulk’s faithful sidekick

  • No stupider than the Silver Surfer, really

4. Stan Lee to live above Disneyland Fire Station

  • The creator of “Fantastic Four” will also make cameo appearances, along with Lou Ferrigno, in every new Disney movie

5. Howard the Duck and Donald Duck to peck each other to death in bloody Main Street showdown

  • One can only hope

6. Muppet Babies to inhabit It’s A Small World

  • As well as Iron Man, by mistake

7. Captain America revived to battle Somali-transplant Pirates of the Caribbean

  • Fixed in a single point in time following an assassination attempt, Steve Rogers battles voodoo zombies and Captain Jack Sparrow on Tony Stark’s drilling platform north of Haiti. Thor stops time and eliminates all Fast Passes at California Adventure while this happens. The X-Men fend off an attack by lesser-regarded 2006 acquisition Pixar characters, resulting in death of Mater

In other news, DC Comics’ Batman and Superman join forces in a new movie directed by Christopher Nolan in which the cities of Orlando and Anaheim are ceded to Lex Luthor and destroyed

See also: Disney buys Marvel, The Walt Disney Company, Marvel Comics

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