Starbucks Unveils New Overheard Argument Snippet Cups

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“It’s a conversation starter,” says a Starbucks spokesman of an innovation in Cup-Based Text (CBT). “For a conversation you don’t want to continue.”

The Seattle-based coffeeshop chain, with nearly 21,000 locations worldwide, is trying to systemitize real human emotion on its cups, which come in four sizes.

“It’s like when a barrista asks how you’re doing, what she’s really saying is that she has eight seconds to take your order and get you out of there,” says the spokesman. “And when she asks if you want your receipt, she’s really saying ‘You don’t own me. You’re not my father. I put in whipped cream anyway.'”

A 2012 survey found that the Starbucks’ previous CBT campaign highlighting inspirational quotes engaged customers too much, falsely suggesting that the company wanted to have meaningful dialogue with them.

“As a company, we don’t really care what road has made all the difference,” the spokesman says. “We’re experimenting with starting a conversation and then stopping it abruptly, because both parties realize they have better things to do, and we need the table.”

The new cups will launch this weekend in a limited series and will feature argument snippets actually overheard by the guy who cleans off the tables before you’re done drinking your coffee. Quotes include “I didn’t sign on for this,” “You can’t say my feelings are wrong,” “I just paid for as much gas as I used,” and “Wow. Just. Wow.”

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