Dear Space,
When is it my turn?
Signed,
Steve Johnson, Hollywood, CA
Dear Steve,
If you listen to the astrologers, your turn will come again when you are 42. If you listen to the wind, you can still hear him (Johnny of Bad Company fame) play, if you listen to the Roman Church, your turn will come when you are dead, and you should be happy even for that, if you listen to a 4-year-old, you don't get a turn, because it confuses her that adults would want to play XBox, if you listen to Tralala from Last Exit to Brooklyn, your turn will come after the guy with the eyepatch debases her on the hood of a car (if you listen to Houston, your turn will come after Mike Ramone), if you listen to that rowdy mob of blockheads in the street, you will know that Jesus Christ Superstar is dangerous.
But I, Space, say your turn is now. Get off the Inter-net and fuck that fucking shit, you Fuck.
Space
Dear Space,
The recent Presidential Election has me feeling gloomy. Can I come live with you in the rooms of your icewater mansion?
E. Fitzgerald, Stayfree Maxi-highway, Detroit
Dear E,
Detroit's musty old halls are no place for rainy day people like you. If you could read my mind, love, you would race among the ruins of the American Political System and put all your faith in the extraterrestrial, like Space, rather than the mundane, which always finds a way to sneak down your back stair. That said, you can not stay with me. I only have a zero-gravity cot, and that is where I stash my MILFs.
Space
Dear Space,
Can you predict the fate of independent theatre?Bob Duke, Berkutaville
Dear Mr. Duke,
I have not so much a prediction as a scrolled-up death warrant on rice paper with faggoty-assed Edwardian curlicue script. The only way to save independent theatre is to have more boobies in it and get a wealthy patron.
Space
Dear Space,
Ubi est poeta?
Strawberry Joe, Kokomo
Ave Josephus,
Omnes poetae in Gallia sunt. (Feminae et poetae naturam amant.)
Da mihi caputem,
Space
Dear Space,
I am a creepy person. Should I kill myself or continue to seek validation of behavior I know is wrong? If Option 1, how should I do it. and if Option 2, won't enough reinforcement of my creepy behavior result in believing the behavior is appropriate?
D. Lingus, Hingham
Dear D,
Use a Temporal Emulator to go back in time to before you became some creepy person. Watch as the roots of creepiness begin to take hold, and then kill them one by one. If you secretly like being a creepy person, you should probably embrace it. The world has proven that it has a taste for creepy people. If you're going to kill yourself, though, I propose a self-inflicted mallet blow to the face. Nothing says, "I wish I weren't such a creepy person, and I'm sorry" than killing yourselkf with some kind of mallet.
Space
Dear Readers: I know I often suggest a Temporal Emulator as a solution to many problems, and they are getting less and less expensive. Without wanting to sound like a broken record, a Temporal Emulator wouldn't be necessary if you buckled down and became Infallible, but this column would not be necessary if people followed that agenda. So act responsibly and get a Temporal Emulator.
Until next time,
L.K. Space
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