Dear Space,

I am afriad of ghosts. Can you help?

Frightened, Bozeman, MT

Dear Frightened,

What is "afriad"? A new series from Alex Haley? And why do you live in Bozeman? Doesn't everybody look like a penny there?

Space

---

Dear Space,

Morgan, Silverlake, CA

Dear Morgan,

I'm not into Train. They should move in with Vonda Shepherd and Coldhead to the VH1 Boarding House.

Space

---

Dear Space,

Here in the United States, there is a Presidential election coming up. Whom do you recommend for the job?

Potential Voter, Bogue Chitto, Mississippi

Dear Voter,

Whichever guy says he's not going to shoot stuff up in me. Space is Exit Only.

Space

---

Dear Space,

I am going to an expensive J-Date wedding in Beverly Hills this Saturday, and there is a spot on my tuxedo shirt that is difficult to remove (I'm not the groom, but I'm just saying). Can you tell me how to get the spot out?

Bennett M., North Hollywood, CA

Dear Bennett,

Use a Temporal Emulator to go back in time to before you got the spot. A common mistake is that you'll set the coordinates too recently, so do yourself a favor and go back to 1910, or something, so you know the shirt didn't have a stain on it. Also make sure you go back to a time the shirt existed. When you get there, place the shirt in one of those AntiChron bags (see if they have a garment bag! LOL :)) so that the stain doesn't return as you hurtle back through time.

Space

---

Dear Space,

My Temporal Emulator has not been working properly since it was accidentally submerged in water not too long ago.  I was wondering if you know where I could get a new one, or, even better, if you might know any "fix it" men (or women) who specialize in Temporal Emulator repairs.  Your help would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
A Huge Space Fan, Lowell, MA

Dear Fan,

There is nothing accidental about submerging a Temporal Emulator. Look into what remains of your heart and ask yourself why you are imprisoning yourself in the hellish Present, where Picture-in-Picture technology is evolving at best and Korean automobiles aren't fun to make out in. There is no way to "fix" your Temporal Emulator; you must purchase a new one at Costco, near the bread. Note to readers: Only clean your Temporal Emulator with deer urine.

Space

---

Dear Readers: I know I often suggest a Temporal Emulator as a solution to many problems, and they are getting less and less expensive. Without wanting to sound like a broken record, a Temporal Emulator wouldn't be necessary if you buckled down and became Infallible, but this column would not be necessary if people followed that agenda. So act responsibly and get a Temporal Emulator.

Until next time,

L.K. Space

Do you have a question that only Space can answer? Send questions to Space

Back to Space