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Jul 03

Holiday Roast: The 8-Day Amity Island Diet

JAWS Diet

Show me the way to better abs and increased energy


Amity Island, like Brigadoon or King Arthur’s Avalon, is a place out of time that is powered by summer dollars and magical realism. But an Islander’s gotta eat — and not some license plate he found in a river.

As has been proven with exhaustive scholarship, we cannot rely on police reports or flyers on Town Hall walls to nail down exact times on Amity (which, as you know, means “friendship”), but we can kick our way to shore with this hearty 8-day diet.

DAY ONE
Falstaff Beer And A Cigarette

JAWS Diet

Soon neither of us will be able to walk or dress ourselves, Chrissie

If Brody’s police report was true (and it wasn’t), Tom enjoyed this casual ripaste close to midnight on July 1, 1974. Chasing Chrissie Watkins down the dunes, Tom doesn’t make it too far, and passes out. But that was just a palate cleanser, because the next day:

DAY TWO
Coffee And Crabs

JAWS diet

Oh you’ll get it

Even though the season hasn’t even started yet, Brody rushes out of his home with his wife’s coffee mug to find Chrissie’s partially denuded remains being gobbled by crabs.

JAWS Diet

Crabs know a boating accident when they see one

“I want my cup back,” nags Ellen Brody.

“You’ll get it,” replies the Prufrocked Chief, probably wishing he was a Chrissie-denuding crab.

DAY THREE
Brandy And A Freezer Full of Meat

JAWS Diet

Let’s toast to Pippet

It’s been a tough day what with all that chalkboard scratching, so Ellen brings her husband a heavy snifter of Brandy.

“You wanna get drunk and fool around?” she says.

“Oh yeah,” Brody replies, hoping to do some denuding of his own.

JAWS Diet

3,000 bucks buys an awful lot of roast

Meanwhile, Charlie steals his wife’s Holiday Roast for our first substantial meal, more than ample fuel for the strenuous days ahead. When you put your hook into this chunk of flesh, your friends will say, “He’s taking it he’s taking it he’s taking it he’s taking it.”

DAY FOUR
Water, Red And White Wine, And Leftovers

JAWS Diet

Always drink in a non-frenzied manner

We still need to bulk up for our shark hunt, so today we’ll begin with a palate-cleansing styrofoam cup full of water as Hooper narrates Chrissie’s injuries. Because he is a scientist, Hooper probably knows the reason not to smoke in the autopsy room, though it is lost on us.

JAWS Diet

I didn’t know what you were having

Then we’ll finish the day with some hefty, inappropriately dispensed glasses of wine quaffed around a table full of lasagna leftovers.

“You want to let that breathe for — ? Nothing,” says Hooper, who is in sharks.

DAY FIVE
Coffee (Ice Cream) And Cigarettes

JAWS Diet

Good luck playing with your cars in here, Michael

After the leftovers, let’s have a nice dessert. Michael’s birthday-week trauma at the pond has left him in shock, but he recovers enough for some ice cream.

JAWS Diet

I am the Mayor of Shark City and I can smoke wherever I like

Meanwhile, Vaughn takes advantage of the fact that it’s the 1970s in Massachusetts by lighting up in a goddamn hospital.

DAY SIX
Moonshine

JAWS Diet

I call this a Fat PBY

Quint has told Brody that Hooper can be taken on the Orca for ballast, and what better way to jettison the week’s fatty foods than with Quint’s mariner moonshine?

“Don’t drink that,” says Brody to Hooper, whose insides are like a kiddie scissor class cut it up for a paper doll, or whatever Quint said, being drunk already.

DAY SEVEN
Narragansett, Compressed Air, Chum, Cod, And Cigarettes

JAWS Diet

Drink enough of these, you’ll eat a rocking chair

That first day at sea can take a lot out of landlubbers, so the savvy shark fisherman makes sure to vary his diet. Have plenty of ‘Gansett on hand in crushable cans and chase that with some compressed air – just don’t fool around with it or it will blow up. Balance that with a bucket full of chum and a paper plate of cod and you’re gonna need a bigger boat to take your ass home.

DAY EIGHT
Iranian Caviar, Pate De Fois Gras, And A Case of Apricot Brandy

JAWS Diet

Chum some of this shit, Chum

Just because Quint is dead doesn’t mean his payment has to go to waste. Presumably the Town of Amity is off the hook for the $10,000 Quint demanded, but you can still enjoy the late Captain’s culinary spoils. Dine in front of a color TV while chewing on a sheepshank, and you’ll be all ready for “Jaws 2.”

If you like “Jaws,” perhaps you would be interested in the original musical “All That Jaws.”

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