How I Lived To Be 46


46 is the least-popular 2-digit multiple of 23, but I’m making it look good.

When the Edmund Fitzgerald Weighed Empty

Edmund Fitzgerald Uncle Tina

I am of a generation of men who spent their childhoods thinking Gordon Lightfoot’s “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” was […]

Today in This: English Language Unveils More Demonstrative Adjectives for Social Media

demonstrative adjectives


The Coelacanth of Managed Expectations

enlightened coelacanth

Whether deep under the sea or in the boardroom, today’s Enlightened Coelacanth teaches (chosen pronoun) how to live (chosen possessive pronoun) life to its fullest.

Dear John, I’m Not Dead


By the time John was my age, he was dead.

Super-Absorbent: A Song


How to make relationship decisions.

“Love Hurts” by The Everly Brothers, Gram Parsons, and Nazareth

"Love Hurts" — Marty's Song of the Day for January 5, 2014

“I really learned a lot. REALLY LEARNED A LOT.”

Editing Eliot: A Prufrock Challenge

TS Eliot

Do mermaids each peaches? Or just salmon?

This Inhuman Place: So Long, Brad Moore


We’re up in the balcony of the Lowell High School Auditorium, Brad Moore and I, and we’re leaning over the […]

The Shamrock Shake Is A Fixed Point in Time

shamrock shake

I’d been telling my children for a week that, by St. Patrick’s Day, they’d be getting Shamrock Shakes. And not […]

The Year Christmas Didn’t Die

Deathless Christmas

Many denominations determine the beginning of the Christmas season as the day when Costco starts selling fake trees (in 2014 […]

I Still Pray To My Childhood Saints

i have a dream

When I first heard Hozier’s “Take Me To Church” I thought: “Why didn’t you release this instead of ‘Can You […]

The Cabinet Door Wants Me Dead


I bumped my head. I think it’s an east-west thing.



See also: Winnie the Pooh is a horrible role model

Petsplaining: Smell My Dog


Petsplainers know your pets better than you do

Harper Lee Announces “Mockingbird” Sequel


“It’s Not A Re-Boo,” Author Says

Frampton Comes Alive

Frampton Chelsea Barrett

Frampton Chelsea Barrett, 1996-2014

Jingle Balrog

Jingle Balrog

We’re not really a Bible-believing family, so when my daughter asked me what Christmas was like in the deep places […]

Asshole Stole My Bike


I’d like to think that, right now, in some lower rent place than where I’m currently living,

How I Lived To Be 45


Advances in medical technology and attention to Quality of Life considerations like exercise, diet, and stress reduction have increased the […]

A Box of Free Grapefruit


There are times I want to pick up the phone and call my late father.

The Kindness of Black Holes


A Streetcar Named Extinction.

Holiday Roast: The 8-Day Amity Island Diet


Amity Island, like Brigadoon or King Arthur’s Avalon, is a place out of time that is powered by summer dollars […]

June 29: Ichthyology Numerology

The Kintner Boy

A lot of things happened on both Tinian and Amity Islands on June 29. Let us help you make some […]

Winnie the Pooh Is A Horrible Role Model

Irresponsible Pooh

“One of the advantages of being disorganized is that one is always having surprising discoveries.” ? A.A. Milne, “Winnie the […]

Deep Facebook: For When It’s Complicated (first in a series)

deep facebook

In this article I use the name of a popular social media outlet as a stand-in for all of them, […]

Don’t Throw Away Your Cows


Cows are watching from the ceiling.

Raising A Straight Man And Teaching My Daughter about Bigamy

Griffith Observatory, February 7, 2014

I have many items on my parenting agenda. I take the mission seriously. But I’m always careful to make those […]

The Green Beans of Courage

Marty's Lentil Soup

A man said to the Internet “Lentils: Soak them?”

“Black Thumb”: Lori Carson

"Black Thumb" is Marty's Song of the Day for January 13, 2014

I’m truly sorry it went wrong, says “Black Thumb,” but it’s not like you didn’t see it coming.

“Moon River”: Henry Mancini And Johnny Mercer

"Moon River" is Marty's Song of the Day for January 12, 2014

My daughter learned to speak from hearing this song.

Reassurance Saturday with “I’m Not Down”: The Clash

"I'm Not Down" is Marty's Song of the Day for January 11, 2014

“You’re streets away from where it gets the roughest.”

“Katmandu”: Cat Stevens

"Katmandu" is Marty's Song of the Day for January 10, 2014

Two 2014 inductees to the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame appear on this beautiful song, and neither one of […]

“Renegades of Funk”: Afrikaa Bambaataa, Rage Against the Machine

"Renegades of Funk"—Marty's Song of the Day for January 9, 2014

Like you, every time I pop into the beat, I get Fresh.

“Space Oddity,” “Major Tom,” “Ashes to Ashes,” “Hallo Spaceboy” — David Bowie, Peter Schilling

Song of the Day for January 8, 2014

“I’ve never done good things. I’ve never done bad things. I never did anything out of the blue.”

“Blue Red And Grey” by The Who

"Blue Red And Grey" - Marty's Song of the Day for January 7, 2014

Myself, I only love most minutes of the day, but I’m working on a monopoly.

“Mr. Blue Sky” by ELO

"Mr. Blue Sky"—Marty's song of the Day for January 6, 2014

What better way to start the year than “Mr. Blue Sky”?

“The Crystal Ship” by The Doors

"The Crystal Ship" by The Doors, Marty's Song of the Day for January 4, 2014

“Deliver me from Reasons Why.”

“This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us” by Sparks

Marty's Song of the Day for 3 January, 2014

“They can’t possibly be American, that can’t possibly be a man, this song can’t possibly be 40 years old.”

“Thursday” by Morphine


A cold-weather power trio fronted by its bassist, Boston’s Morphine was nevertheless never called the American Rush.

“Jeans On” by Lord David Dundas

Marty's Song of the Day for 1 January, 2014

Jeans, motorbikes, and your pretty face. We have everything we need.

New Year’s Resolution: To Not Be Like Mrs. Thistlewaite


It’s important to be aware of our surroundings and not look like a jackass.

It’s A Flawed Life, When You Really Think About It


“It’s A Wonderful Life,” by virtue of being a delightful classic of Christmastime Americana,

I Salivate (Like A Pavlov Dog)

Ivan Pavlov

Every writer can get into bad habits, but just remember what your best English teachers (mine were Mrs. McGovern, Mr. […]

Resume Tips from Mother Theresa


Before she died (and several times after), Mother Theresa of Calcutta sat down with me to offer career advice.

Today We’ll Drink the Gargled Jell-O


I am distrustful of inexpensive things, because it has been constantly reinforced throughout my life that there is always a […]

What We Can Learn from Count Orlok


Both The Nosferatu of Carpathia and Mark Twain liked boats and aphorisms.

You Are Personally Responsible for Being Poor


In the wake of a fast food workers’ strike demanding a $15-an-hour wage, one of the best weapons in the […]

Socialized Medicine: Friendbloat No Longer Curable with Facebook Decimation


When Langston Hughes wrote “I loved my friend/He went away from me/There’s nothing more to say/The poem ends/Soft as it […]

Where Is This Child’s Father?


I would not have listened much beyond “There are two wolves inside you.”

Words Next to Pictures II: What We Know About Hydrogen


Next year I am splitting the Nobel Prize with this guy I saw walking by my building at 3 a.m. […]

So You Know: Haters Are Restricting Your Good Time


Oppressors are denying your right to party, censoring your fun, and even removing several hours of the day just to […]

From My Occasional Series “I Don’t Think Anyone Ever Actually Spoke French”


One of the biggest hoaxes around is that the French language exists, and that there are places in the world […]

Happy Birthday, Herman Melville


“In whalers all wonders soon wane.”—Moby Dick It’s been more than a year since I began reading “Moby Dick,” but […]

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